Everything felt so good in the afternoon. And during the whole day. Everything seemed so easy and beautiful. I had eaten only 149kcals and that made me veeery happy. OK, I had 2 spoons of cake. So what? I still had 50 kcals left for the rest of the day.
But then I cycled to the bus station and traveled to see my friend who lives in Helsinki. We were supposed to drink the diet coke I had brought with me. I was not supposed to eat anything. When he asked if I wanted to eat I automatically answered "YES." And only 2 seconds after it I regretted. A lot. I thought I would take just two meatballs.... but then I thought maybe he would notest something weird going on. I didn't want to tell him what's on my mind and that I have the 2468-diet going on. So I ate...
- 5 meatballs
- 5 baked potatos (OK they were small but I still feel horrible)
So now this day's total is... 378 calories ...
Should I eat 400 calories tomorrow? Or start all over again - only 200 calories? What if I get the sick feeling again and then I have to eat A LOT before I get the feeling to go away?!
I AM A FAT LOSER. I will never change. I hate myself.
Now I feel like it's really the same thing if I'd just go downstairs and eat everything I can find..
I really need someone to talk with about this. Someone who feels the same. Who can be on a diet with me and make me feel better on these kinds of days. When I am only a fucking fat idiot cow and a whining loser. And I could do the same to her/him.
I feel like quitting this. But I know I'm not gonna. I can't because I don't want to be the fatty failure girl who's always whining about her weight but actually does nothing to change things.
AT LEAST I can't do the 2468... or that's what it seems like. It's not a problem as long as I don't have to be with people who eat and offer me food and think that I should eat, otherwise I feel like killing myself.
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